CrAzY tHiNg CaLlEd LiFe

Well, I finally got a job so my spirits have lifted a little.  At least (huh I've been spelling that as one word for like my whole life) I'm getting out of this tiny apartment..that's a positive.  Bah! I'm trying to write this and Sadie keeps bumping me with her fat ass because she HAS to be as close to you as possible at all times.  Just lay down woman!!!!

Anyways,
What was I gonna talk about?  I can't remember...ah yes my down-in-the-dumb..edness.  I know this is just life and that's the way things are but it's just so depressing.  I guess I should take a note from Superchik and stand in the rain.  It just feels like life is beating me ya know?  I'm 24 years old (well, I will be in 4 days) and I feel like I've accomplished nothing in life.  I joined the Air Force to better myself and get away from the crap I was living in and somehow I managed to screw that up.  I've got no degree no profession really.  I can work on F-16s but most companys only want people who had at least their 7 level.  Which aggravates me because I knew more and could do more work than some 7 levels that were in my shop.  Shit I knew more about working on F-16s than some of our freaking Tech sergeant flight chiefs.  So, it's all just a bunch of bullshit.  But what can ya do but sit back and take it.  I know it's a cliche but a lot of it to really is because I'm a woman and people don't think I can do the work.  I could own more than half the guys at work faces when I came to doing my job.  And I know I say I'm ok, but I really am still very upset that I got kicked out.  I haven't known what to do with myself for the past five months.  It's been terrible.  I've missed it so much.  Even though I bitched all the time and complained about working 12 hour shifts all week I would go back in a heartbeat.  I had finally found something I loved doing and was really good at, but I guess it's all part of God's plan right.  Just gotta have the faith that He really knows best and it's all for a reason.  I just wish I could see the reason too.  It would make this crazy thing called life seem less crazy, but I guess that's why it's called "this crazy thing" called life and not just "this thing called life"  I should be someone now have a direction and I just don't know who I am anymore or where I belong.  I haven't had a relationship in 3 years.  I mean I've had my booty calls and occasional hook ups (never anyone I didn't already know) but what does that really say about me?  It's not even really been good sex so that just makes it that much worse.  This may be more than anyone wants to know but I haven't had an orgasm from sex in like 2 years!  Good grief.  It's not even worth having sex anymore.  Of course I guess it would help if I wasn't slightly intoxicated every time I had sex.  And this awesome pregnancy scare I just had is nerve racking.

One day I'll know what it's all meant, but I'm sure it'll be when I'm old and gray and telling my kids and grandkids to not be the idiot I was LoL.  Oy and I want to go home to Tennessee but how do I really know things will be better there?  How do I know they won't get worse?  It makes it so hard to decide what to do.  I'm afraid that if I go home (and I really want to) that as soon as I get there I'll want to turn right back around and come back here.  But I guess you've got to make life decisions and not look back.  Just keep moving forward and not live in the past and what if's.  I miss everything about that place though.  My dogs, my family, real grass, real trees, my BFF, school.  Lightning bugs and the sound of crickets.  And oh my gosh do I miss humidity.  This dry heat is terrible.  I even miss my dads stupid chickens that I hated for years.  Certain smells remind me of home too.  Leather, the pig farm that stinks up all of North Las Vegas.  Certain chapstick reminds me of my daddy.  I guess if I just hold on to those things I'll make it a little longer out here without going completely crazy.

Sigh* I know this was long and probably extremely boring so I do apologize but thank for your time and listening to me rant and whine.  Good day all :)

Ah, since I mentioned the song I shall post it on here...enjoy!