Moving on...maybe?

So, I came to some sort of conclusion last night while I was smoking.  I've wasted so much time and energy being angry and blaming other people for what is going on in my life.  I guess it's time to take responsibility for my own life,  forgive the ones who have wronged me and move on.  This probably sounds so self righteous and he'll never see this (I don't think) but I would like to say that I forgive you Timmy and I wish the best for you in life and I hope you've found everything in life that makes you happy.  That really took a lot for me to do and I really thought I was over all the things he did to me and had moved on, but I realized I couldn't have if I still have all this anger and resentment in my heart.  He was the first person I ever loved and I would have done anything for him, but now is the time to move on and I really feel like I have now too bad it took me 3 years to figure that out, but I guess you can't rush things like that.  I've been so scared of moving forward it doesn't seem to work out when I try to.  I think that's why I've been dragging things out here in Vegas, because I'm so scared of what's waiting for me when I move on from here.  I'm terrified actually what if the decisions I make keep being the wrong ones?  The slightest thing can determine how life is going to go for you at the time.  What if Tennessee isn't the place I need to be right now no matter how much I want it?  I have all these doubts about my life and what purpose I'm supposed to have in this world.  I just don't know anymore and it scares me to death.  Is this all a test of faith?  How could that be when God already knows how little faith I've had these past years.  I can't even remember the last time I really sat down and prayed.  I guess I'm scared of Him too.  I'm afraid He'll let me down like so many others have....that really says a lot about my faith doesn't it.  Some people make me feel so bad about the life I'm living and I know I should be doing better, but it still bugs me all the same.  I've not had a relationship since my divorce.  Well, booty calls and male companions and such, but nothing real and any man that I felt was getting to close I would push away.  I know it was just because I was terrified of what all that meant.  I've always felt like I was such a strong person, but I really am just some scared little girl and honestly I didn't realize that until just now as I'm writing this.  But my starting point was people talking about how they don't understand how women can have such a lack of respect for themselves to just have a friends with benefits kind of thing.  Maybe I really don't have any respect for myself I never really thought that I didn't till someone posted that stuff and it got me to thinking like so much else has gotten me doing these days.  I know sometimes I just sleep with someone to validate myself as a woman.  Sometimes I just need to have that realization that someone does want me.  I know people need healthy relationships and not just what I have but how can I have that when I don't even love and respect myself like I should?  How could I ask that of someone else when I don't even believe it myself?   That's just nonsense.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I kinda miss the Air Force, just because they always told me what to do LoL.  Well,  I'm 24 I guess it's finally time to grow up.  Geez 24...where has the time went.  I feel like I'm supposed to be married have a career and 3 kids already being a good house wife or something....maybe that's a southern way of thinking.  That seems to be the way things are going with everyone else I know.  Well, I'm listening to music and chatting on FB while I write this so I've lost my train of thought....oh well.