HOLY SHITBALLS!!!!!

Holy shit I'm done with community service!!!!! What a fucking relief!!!!  I haven't been this damn happy in months...MONTHS I SAY!!!!  Good grief that was a lot of cuss words...oh well.  It's who I am get over it.  *Sigh.  Glad I got that out there.  So, I did a first this past weekend.  Got naked in a hot tub with other people. I'm not particularly proud of that fact, but what can ya do? LoL.  Well, I was drunk (like usual) and went to BR's house.  He's been kind of a booty call deal.  Yeah, I know I said I was done with that but I got needs yo. Anywho they have a hot tub..obviously.

So, they guys were the first to strip down to their birthday suits and I being the modest lady I am hid my eyes from HC's junk.  I didn't hide my eyes from BR that would be kind of silly.  Yes, that drunk I'm still slightly modest at least I can say that about myself.  Well, then Ms. Penguin took her clothes off (we're room mates ok it's not like I've never seen it before)  Oh on that note before you people think I'm weird I must remind you that I was in the military and took showers with other women for months so it doesn't phase me anymore.  Alright back on topic.  It took BR a very long time to get me out of my clothes.  I'm very proud of myself for holding out that long.  I'm very impressionable when I'm drunk.  Yeah, I got excuses what of it?  And as a matter of fact I didn't take any clothes off they got taken off of me.  *Sigh you're right I'm a slut.  I just got a txt so I've lost my train of thought.  I just realized my posts aren't very organized.  I kinda just ramble about everything.  Ha!  Keeping you on your toes I guess.  Anywho.

I only cried once that night and it was for just a very brief second and not in front of people.  I wouldn't really even call it crying I just got all teary eyed and it stopped.  Well, I think one escaped.  They were angry tears.  So, I went and yelled at BR we...made up...and that was the end of that.  I lost my under ware though.  I'm actually very sad about it though.  They were new that was only the 2nd time I wore them.  It was quite upsetting for me.  LOL side note.  That's the second time I've gone home with no panties on before.  I'm beginning to thinks guys keep them for a trophy.  Do guys do that?  That's kinda gross.

HOLY SHIT I'M GOING HOME!!!!!!!! I can't fucking wait to get to TN.  I kinda just wanna scream for joy, but I don't think my neighbors would appreciate that.

ALMOST HOME!!!!

I am almost heading home!  To Tennessee that is.  I is getting soooo excited, but I'm super nervous all at the same time.  Weird.  We're going to the bar Friday night to celebrate my departure then hopefully next weekend I'll be starting my 3 day drive back to the land of the great.  Maybe I'll have something to write about after Friday night.  We do tend to get completely shit bag wasted and do stupid things.  Well, Ms. Penguin might not be drinking so maybe everything will remain calm LoL.  I can't decide what all I'm taking with me.  I know I'm taking my animals.  All the fish died btw and the snails...well, the snails met and unfortunate end...but now I have another snake.  Which isn't bad really.  1 dog, 1 lizard and 2 snakes.  Anywho, I was going to rent a small uhaul trailer to transport my bed and book shelves and such ( I really don't have that much stuff ) but they want to charge me like $450 so I was all like PSSSHHH!!!! F**K that!  I think I can get it all in my Tahoe...except for my bed, I can tie that down to the top, but it's stressing me out thinking about driving across the states with a bed on my roof...imagine how stressed I'll be when I'm actually driving.  Ugh.  If my dad decides to pay for the trailer then I'll have no worries.  I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.  What if it rains?  I guess I'll have to buy a tarp.  Aunt Mary Jo wants me to stop and visit with her on my way through.  Of course I'm going to I haven't seen her in years...well, I haven't seen anyone in years but it's been longer since I've visited her, that was back in the day when I was with my AssHat.  I have to start collecting my things that have somehow made their way to other places.  And somehow I've managed to loose 3 pairs of shoes.  Totally not like me I love shoes.  I lost my yellow converse!!!!!!!  I just don't know what to do with myself...my favorite shoes...MISSING!!!!!! Sigh* tis sad.  None of this shit is really that important (besides my animals) maybe I'll just leave most of it behind.  I can always buy new stuff.  I'm keeping my movies though.  I have a pretty impressive movie collection if I do say so myself.  I don't really need the bookshelf that'll save space.  Anyways,  I realize how boring this is.  So, I say Good day to you!

Anywho

So, it's been a while since I made a post.  I'm not very good at this blogging thing.  For one I really don't have the patience to keep up with it and for two, well, I just really don't know what to write about half the time.  I guess your just supposed to write about life? Your thoughts?  It all just makes me feel really stupid LoL.  I sit and I think huh what have I thought about that's of any importance and then my  poor little pea brain blanks.

Well, I'm almost done with community service!  27 more hours then I can get the hell outta this state! Oh on that note.  When I was at the church doing hours last Friday something terribly awesome happened to me.  It was terrible but it's awesome now because I can look back and laugh on it now.  Ok, so I was having to put all these papers and stuff together for the church service and put them in these little pockets on the backs of the chairs...no big deal right?  Well, that's what I thought, but I kept tripping over my pants walking between the rows and thinking to myself "ok just don't fall" (there was a group of like 6 guys in there looking at the sound system or something).  Well, then the worst happened.  I tripped again, but this time I fell all the way down and these people stopped and were looking at me.   Then, I saw them looking at me, but I didn't say anything I just kinda giggled then in my head I'm going "oh god why am I giggling I look so stupid sitting here giggling to myself"  Then, that just put me into hysterics and I started laughing harder and I couldn't stop!  You guys shoulda been in my head for real.  Poor Stephanies brain was all like "For the love of God stop laughing!  These people think you're a loon! Shut up woman!"  That's about how it went.  So, there I was sitting in the church with these unknown people staring at me while I was laughing hysterically at myself.  That's my fun story for that week.  I got sun burnt last weekend when we went shooting.  B said it was karma for once again convincing her I was prego....hahhahahahhahahah I can't help myself though she's so easy.  It is gonna be hard to convince people that I am if I ever really do get pregnant.

Hmmm...what else uneventful has happened in my life?  Well, lizard man bit Ms.Penguin (my roomie).  Oh that's a good story.  Penguin and I almost came to blows the other night at the bar because of someone we shall call....Crazy Cat Lady.  So, what happened was I took my heels off ya know cuz I was drunk and I put my flip flops on.  Well, then one of my flip flops broke we laughed about it for a while and it put it in my purse.  I was drunk I wasn't really concerned about walking around a bar with only one shoe on.  Well, then we get even more intoxicated and I ask Ms. Penguin for my flip flop which she proceeds to throw to me (I didn't see her throw it to me) Well, Crazy Cat Lady sees that I don't see her do that so she takes my shoe and hides it from me thinking it will be funny.  Well, let me take this time to say that as much as I love my Penguin she get's a little silly when she's drunk...to mean that she starts thinking people are talking about her or saying things about her, and it makes her a little crazy.  Well, I ask her again if she knows where my shoe is.  She says she threw it to me and I say I never got it, and we know I didn't because of Crazy Cat Lady.  Well, then Ms. Penguin thinks that I'm calling her a liar so her in her drunken state gets mad and starts talking shit about me.  I can hear her across the bar she's not a quiet person especially that drunk.  Well, I get pissed grab my giant of a purse that would put Mary Poppins to shame and almost knock over a bunch of glasses on the bar, then walk outside.  At this point I have no idea why she's talking shit about me, so I'm just seeing red.  Well, Crazy Cat Lady follows me outside and tells me it's all her fault that she thought it would be funny.  Well, go figure that back fired.  Then Ms. Penguin comes outside yelling at everyone and still talking shit about me.  I can hear her across the parking lot.  At this point I am enraged beyond reason I throw my purse and jacket down storm across the parking lot push another friend out of the way who's trying to keep me from knocking the fuck outta my friend.  Ms. Penguin is screaming at me to go the fuck away she's walking home. LOL.  Well, then I just follow her like the annoying person I am and demand to know what the fuck her problem is.  Well, that's when I find out she thought I was calling her a liar and blah blah shinanigans.  Then, I tell her I never said that it was Crazy Cat Lady that got us into this mess and she starts crying.  We hug and get in the car.  Ahhhh good times.  I don't know what Crazy Cat Lady was thinking pitting Ms. Penguin and myself against each other...how rude.  Good thing we didn't turn on her, then things woulda got really interesting.  Ms. Penguin is still pretty peeved about the whole thing I just look back and giggle.

I feel like this video is very appropriate

Moving on...maybe?

So, I came to some sort of conclusion last night while I was smoking.  I've wasted so much time and energy being angry and blaming other people for what is going on in my life.  I guess it's time to take responsibility for my own life,  forgive the ones who have wronged me and move on.  This probably sounds so self righteous and he'll never see this (I don't think) but I would like to say that I forgive you Timmy and I wish the best for you in life and I hope you've found everything in life that makes you happy.  That really took a lot for me to do and I really thought I was over all the things he did to me and had moved on, but I realized I couldn't have if I still have all this anger and resentment in my heart.  He was the first person I ever loved and I would have done anything for him, but now is the time to move on and I really feel like I have now too bad it took me 3 years to figure that out, but I guess you can't rush things like that.  I've been so scared of moving forward it doesn't seem to work out when I try to.  I think that's why I've been dragging things out here in Vegas, because I'm so scared of what's waiting for me when I move on from here.  I'm terrified actually what if the decisions I make keep being the wrong ones?  The slightest thing can determine how life is going to go for you at the time.  What if Tennessee isn't the place I need to be right now no matter how much I want it?  I have all these doubts about my life and what purpose I'm supposed to have in this world.  I just don't know anymore and it scares me to death.  Is this all a test of faith?  How could that be when God already knows how little faith I've had these past years.  I can't even remember the last time I really sat down and prayed.  I guess I'm scared of Him too.  I'm afraid He'll let me down like so many others have....that really says a lot about my faith doesn't it.  Some people make me feel so bad about the life I'm living and I know I should be doing better, but it still bugs me all the same.  I've not had a relationship since my divorce.  Well, booty calls and male companions and such, but nothing real and any man that I felt was getting to close I would push away.  I know it was just because I was terrified of what all that meant.  I've always felt like I was such a strong person, but I really am just some scared little girl and honestly I didn't realize that until just now as I'm writing this.  But my starting point was people talking about how they don't understand how women can have such a lack of respect for themselves to just have a friends with benefits kind of thing.  Maybe I really don't have any respect for myself I never really thought that I didn't till someone posted that stuff and it got me to thinking like so much else has gotten me doing these days.  I know sometimes I just sleep with someone to validate myself as a woman.  Sometimes I just need to have that realization that someone does want me.  I know people need healthy relationships and not just what I have but how can I have that when I don't even love and respect myself like I should?  How could I ask that of someone else when I don't even believe it myself?   That's just nonsense.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I kinda miss the Air Force, just because they always told me what to do LoL.  Well,  I'm 24 I guess it's finally time to grow up.  Geez 24...where has the time went.  I feel like I'm supposed to be married have a career and 3 kids already being a good house wife or something....maybe that's a southern way of thinking.  That seems to be the way things are going with everyone else I know.  Well, I'm listening to music and chatting on FB while I write this so I've lost my train of thought....oh well.

Decisions, Decisions

So, I think I'm going to quit my job.  Just because I don't have enough time to do community service hours because I work 6 days a week and the hours are stupid.  Gah! Side note I got my nails done and I HATE trying to type with these stupid things!!!!! Any ways I feel like being poor but not having to go to jail is the better alternative to having money but being in jail.  And I wanna come home so now I can devote all my time to getting my hours done.  I guess that is all I have to say for the moment goodbye

CrAzY tHiNg CaLlEd LiFe

Well, I finally got a job so my spirits have lifted a little.  At least (huh I've been spelling that as one word for like my whole life) I'm getting out of this tiny apartment..that's a positive.  Bah! I'm trying to write this and Sadie keeps bumping me with her fat ass because she HAS to be as close to you as possible at all times.  Just lay down woman!!!!

Anyways,
What was I gonna talk about?  I can't remember...ah yes my down-in-the-dumb..edness.  I know this is just life and that's the way things are but it's just so depressing.  I guess I should take a note from Superchik and stand in the rain.  It just feels like life is beating me ya know?  I'm 24 years old (well, I will be in 4 days) and I feel like I've accomplished nothing in life.  I joined the Air Force to better myself and get away from the crap I was living in and somehow I managed to screw that up.  I've got no degree no profession really.  I can work on F-16s but most companys only want people who had at least their 7 level.  Which aggravates me because I knew more and could do more work than some 7 levels that were in my shop.  Shit I knew more about working on F-16s than some of our freaking Tech sergeant flight chiefs.  So, it's all just a bunch of bullshit.  But what can ya do but sit back and take it.  I know it's a cliche but a lot of it to really is because I'm a woman and people don't think I can do the work.  I could own more than half the guys at work faces when I came to doing my job.  And I know I say I'm ok, but I really am still very upset that I got kicked out.  I haven't known what to do with myself for the past five months.  It's been terrible.  I've missed it so much.  Even though I bitched all the time and complained about working 12 hour shifts all week I would go back in a heartbeat.  I had finally found something I loved doing and was really good at, but I guess it's all part of God's plan right.  Just gotta have the faith that He really knows best and it's all for a reason.  I just wish I could see the reason too.  It would make this crazy thing called life seem less crazy, but I guess that's why it's called "this crazy thing" called life and not just "this thing called life"  I should be someone now have a direction and I just don't know who I am anymore or where I belong.  I haven't had a relationship in 3 years.  I mean I've had my booty calls and occasional hook ups (never anyone I didn't already know) but what does that really say about me?  It's not even really been good sex so that just makes it that much worse.  This may be more than anyone wants to know but I haven't had an orgasm from sex in like 2 years!  Good grief.  It's not even worth having sex anymore.  Of course I guess it would help if I wasn't slightly intoxicated every time I had sex.  And this awesome pregnancy scare I just had is nerve racking.

One day I'll know what it's all meant, but I'm sure it'll be when I'm old and gray and telling my kids and grandkids to not be the idiot I was LoL.  Oy and I want to go home to Tennessee but how do I really know things will be better there?  How do I know they won't get worse?  It makes it so hard to decide what to do.  I'm afraid that if I go home (and I really want to) that as soon as I get there I'll want to turn right back around and come back here.  But I guess you've got to make life decisions and not look back.  Just keep moving forward and not live in the past and what if's.  I miss everything about that place though.  My dogs, my family, real grass, real trees, my BFF, school.  Lightning bugs and the sound of crickets.  And oh my gosh do I miss humidity.  This dry heat is terrible.  I even miss my dads stupid chickens that I hated for years.  Certain smells remind me of home too.  Leather, the pig farm that stinks up all of North Las Vegas.  Certain chapstick reminds me of my daddy.  I guess if I just hold on to those things I'll make it a little longer out here without going completely crazy.

Sigh* I know this was long and probably extremely boring so I do apologize but thank for your time and listening to me rant and whine.  Good day all :)

Ah, since I mentioned the song I shall post it on here...enjoy!

Home

I fucking want to go home!!!!! I miss my B and my family and my friends.  I'm so tired of this place.  I really just want to get out of here so bad :(   I miss the south...and southern people and southern food and hospitality.  I never thought I'd miss silly rednecks LoL.  I'm missing everything that's important to me though.  I haven't even seen my nephew in person yet.  I is sad  :,(